January 2011, Snowmageddon besieged the Metro Atlanta Area. As most know, the south is not equipped to handle six to ten inches of snow. The ice paralyzed the area for several days.
While the southerners struggled to deal with the icy conditions, some northern transplants offered advice.
One such person is Tony, a former resident of one of those New states in the northeast.
Below are excerpts from Tony’s book: “Lovers and Other Dumb Things I Gotta Do” (in blue)
Good afternoon,
As living in the Southeast generally precludes having to deal with snow, especially shoveling it, so I felt it incumbent upon my to enlighten my fellow southern citizens as to how to do this.
Know your snow!
Look, it’s all about the snow. There are lots of types.
-Dry and Powdery: this stuff is light and tends to blow away when you try and shovel it.
-Wet and Dense: this is the worst…
-Dry and Dense: the best for shoveling as it will go neat and easy and no stick to the shovel..still, you’re shoveling snow..this ain’t no picnic.
Southerners know there is only one type of snow: the cold kind.
Choose your tool
Look, if you’re in the south, you’ll probably not have a snow shovel, but if you need or get the chance to pick one, learn the right one.
There is nothing sadder (or potentially deadly) than watching someone shovel snow with a coal shovel. Garden spades are another sad state. If you know the snow is coming get to the damn store and buy a snow shovel. Those big flat ones are for the dry and dense stuff; the half barrels for the dense stuff.
In the south, we have one type of shovel in the suburbs – the kind used to dig holes. The only other type of shovel used in the south is a poop shovel for cleaning the horse stall.
Think like a plow.
Snow is heavy, especially a full shovelful. It may be pretty to look at it but this is work. Do you know how a plow works? Its breaks the surface and shoves it out of the way…
When I think plow, I think of farming. The best way to move snow in the south is with a Bobcat. The best way to move anything in the south is with a Bobcat.
Bobcat = Get-er-done!
That asshat Thomas Kincaid with his winter “Paintings of Light” showing little cottages with snow piled up against them is only because they didn’t worry about water intrusion.
Every Kincaid painting, mug and defibrillator features a snow scene. Just once, I’d like to see a painting with a guy standing outside the cottage looking at his SUV buried under all the snow.
Where is my Land Rover?
Practical considerations
Yeah, yeah, your kid is SO cute but don’t let them get involved in snow removal. Ditto the significant other. Don’t let your little honey or sweet baboo get out there and muck stuff up.
What’s the point of having kids if I can’ put them to work? Ditto for the significant other.
Finishing work
Really…there is no finish… Go back and clean up the skreds.. Dress the edge: run the shovel down the edges to clean and tighten them up. Do a little sculpting: got a big pile or tall pile? Work it with the shovel to smooth and tighten it. Yeah it’s work, but that will keep it from falling over causing more clean-up.
Why even start? Stay inside watch the replay of your favorite SEC game.
Final steps.
Unless you’re some kind of ‘half-marathoner’ or a gym rat..you’re going to be in pain or at least very stiff, in about 2 hours. Start drinking and pop a Percoset or two…
A better final step is to skip the driveway and sidewalk and take the kids sledding, have a frosty beverage and grill something.
Cold Beer (thanks Todd)
So, next time its going to snow in the South..go out and get your supplies as soon as they tell you its coming, then crack a bottle with your main squeeze and watch it fall with some nice music in the background. Its beautiful and magical….very romantic.
Some suggested supplies: Cardboard boxes to make sleds. Plastic chair mats work well too. I also suggest heading to the Army surplus store and buying a flamethrower. As far as I know, flamethrowers are legal in the south for home defense, hunting and snow clearing.
Great for clearing snow or killing weeds
While Tony provides valuable shoveling information, most southerners will never need to shovel snow because:
Four-wheel-drive and southerners go together like New Jersey and Toxic Waste.
Snow keeps beer cold.
God put the snow there; it will melt when He wants it to.
Your SPLOST at work.
Thanks Tony for contributing and inspiring this post.
