What they are really thinking…

UWW Fighting Marshmallows

Recently I traveled to Florida to take part in an international study on Facebook at the University of Western Wimauma.  U of WW is the home of the Fighting Marshmallows and some of the top researchers in the field of Facebook Psychology.  During one of the exciting break out sessions we explored the deep need for so many to document their daily activities.  A Blue Ribbon Round Table Discussion Committee explored the psychology behind the “status update”.

Below is an abbreviated list of what users are thinking while updating Facebook Status.

Status (S):  Seeing my (significant other) in the morning, takes my breath away

Truth (T):  His (her) morning breath is a weapon of mass destruction

S:  My child is the best

T:   My kid eats paste

S:  I am so lucky to wake up next to my wonderful husband

T:  Why does he have so much ear hair?

S:  My life is perfect!

T:  Please hug me

S:  I love Glee

T:  Not that there is anything wrong with that

S:  I love my job / coworkers

T:  I may or may not like my job, but I work with the biggest group of twits outside of Congress

S:  I was watching my wife play with our children – I could hear angels singing

T:  I’m sure she caught me looking at the twenty year old jogger

S:  Don’t ask

T:  Please ask

S:  I am so excited my sister / best friend is getting married (engaged / having a baby…)

T:  I hate her.

S:  Some people need to be nicer

T:  Alice, you are an ignorant, misguided skank

S:  I have the most supportive and loving wife

T:  I am about to do / buy something insanely stupid

S:   (2 a.m.)   I love Doritos

T:  I am high

S:  My parents are the best!

T:  Please send money

S:  (Favorite team) lost again – fire the coach

T:  I have anger issues (and / or) place too much importance on things I cannot control

S:  Posting a link to your blog

T:  Please notice me

S:  Posting a link to rantandrollwithduane.com

T:  I am thoughtful, intelligent, and just plain awesome

If we lived in a WWE world…

I walked into Publix today to buy a few items for dinner.  I’m making ziti and meatballs, but that has little bearing on the issue at hand.

I entered  the store and nobody noticed.  Shoppers were shopping and the employees were talking to each other.  Not one person looked over and acknowledged my presence.

It hit me:  How much more awesome would life be if it were like the WWE?

In the WWE, when a superstar enters the building, people don’t ignore him.  There is music, lights and pyrotechnics announcing the entrance.  Jim Ross begins verbally hemorrhaging in excitement.

If we lived in WWE world:

Publix is quiet.  The employees are discussing Jersey Shore while stay at home moms and retirees march up and down the isles searching for deals.

Suddenly Back in Black assaults the eardrums.  I stomp though the door, a can of Red Bull in each hand.  I jump on top of the Customer Service counter and look at my legion of fans.

The Produce Manager is on the PA screaming, “Business is about to pick up!”

Employees and customers cheer my arrival.

Shopping at Publix just became a little more awesome.

I saw an ESPN highlight showing Matt Ryan throwing a pass to Roddy White.  White caught the ball, juked the defender and ran forty yards for a score.  Yawn.  We see touchdowns countless times on any given Sunday.

In WWE world:

The Dome, NFC Championship Falcons vs. Rams.  Rams are up by four with a minute to play in the game. Matt Ryan drops back and throws the ball to Roddy White.  White catches the ball, jukes his defender and has an easy path to the end zone.

Out of nowhere, Michael Jenkins flashes into view and knocks the ball out of White’s hand.  The ball bounces through the back of the end zone giving the Rams the ball and an unbelievable victory.

Joe Buck sounding like JR: “Good God!  What is Jenkins doing?”

Jenkins rips off his Falcons jersey revealing the Rams jersey underneath.

The fans in the dome boo and throw things on the field while Jenkins and the Rams celebrate.

Family gatherings are dull affairs.  The little cousins play together then fight with each other.  The older people sit and complain about things that old people complain about.  The married family members discuss diaper changes or trips.  The single cousins wish they had done something different.

Seven Budwisers into the gathering Uncle Rob switches off his appropriate topic filter and launches into a fifteen minute dissertation about the failure of schools because of lazy union teachers.

Cousin Suzy, a kindergarten teacher, sits quietly hoping somebody comes to her aid and shuts Uncle Rob up.

A heavy silence hangs in the room as family look from one another waiting for somebody to do or say something.

Aunt Katie, Rob’s wife places a gentle hand on Uncle Rob in a vain attempt to silence him.

In WWE world:

Uncle Rob launches into his verbal tirade about the unions and lazy teachers.  Cousin Suzy, unable to contain herself, stands up picks up her folding chair and hits Uncle Rob over the head with it.

Before Aunt Katie can respond Cousin Suzy delivers a metal chair smack to Katie’s head as well.

Cousin Suzy then begins kicking Uncle Rob while Grand Pa Frank yells, “she’s stomping a mud hole in him!”

After a few minutes, family members jump in and pull Cousin Suzy off the bloodied Uncle Rob.

Grand Ma Jane emerges from the kitchen with a warm apple pie and life returns to normal.

 

There is no argument the WWE world is far more entertaining and gratifying than the real world.  Unfortunately, the real world has laws.  Jumping on the counter at Publix is frowned upon.  Switching teams in the NFC Championship is not allowed due to collective bargaining.  Although it shouldn’t be, stomping a mud hole in annoying relatives is illegal in 49 states.

Free speech with a price

As my loyal reader(s) know, I created this site to practice and improve my writing skills.  I look for new ways to express myself and improve my chances in a competitive job market.

Currently, I am working on a script for a comic book.  Working on the comic book  brought back memories of high school and my brief endeavor in editorial cartoons.

I recently discovered Comic Life on my Mac.  I am experimenting with the software to see if I can use it to express my thoughts in cartoon.

Below is my 2^nd attempt.  I have not made up my mind whether or not to publish my first cartoon.  While I think it is brilliant satire, others may disagree.

Please let me know what you think about the comics.

Click on the image to make it larger.

The Big Dawg!

Yes, I really did apply for the UGA Athletic Director job.  Below is my letter.

Dear Mr. Gausvik,

I am applying for the Athletic Director of the University of Georgia.  I look forward to bringing my educational experience, communication skills and public speaking ability to the University of Georgia.

Working with student athletes requires a strong moral compass to guide in decision-making.  Teachers, coaches and athletic directors serve as role models and official representatives of the school or university.  During my 20 years working with students and the community, I strived to make a difference in young people’s lives while serving as a positive representative of my employer.  The University of Georgia needs a person of character to serve as the face of UGA athletics.

I possess the pertinent skills and experience to lead the Bulldogs to athletic excellence.

• I have 20 years experience working in athletic environments.  I am familiar with all aspects of athletic competition.  My work with the City of Pinellas Park brought me in contact with civic and business leaders while I transformed a defunct community center into a vibrant safe haven for teens.
• I worked with parents and students from all social economic backgrounds.
• I have excellent organizational abilities due to my experience as a teacher.
• Education is a fluid environment; adaptation and ingenuity are essential for success.  I am able to adapt to any situation to complete tasks on time.
• Responsible for budget to maintain physical education equipment for 800 students.  I stretched the allocated budget to meet all financial needs.
• B.A in Education from the University of South Florida.
• Relevant computer skills (Office, HTML, etc…)

My leadership style is collaboratively driven and results orientated.  I achieve success by creating an environment where all stakeholders are comfortable providing input.  While final responsibility falls to the Athletic Director, it is paramount to solicit input from those impacted by the decisions.  Through teamwork and trust comes success on the field and off.

I welcome the opportunity to meet with you and the selection team to discuss my candidacy for the Athletic Director position at the University of Georgia.  I believe my experience and credentials, while unique, make me the ideal candidate.

Sincerely,

Duane

Sharing with strangers

Look at us!

Family security experts are concerned about the amount of private information we share with strangers each day.  Facebook’s security, credit cards data theft and the Census collecting information dominated the news for months.  Credit card companies spend millions to protect information and Facebook continues to protect precious photos of Snowball the cat.  Claims that the Census workers would use private information for nefarious purposes are unfounded.

We worry about our private information falling into the hands of criminals and predators yet we advertise the very information we wish to keep secret.  If we spoke to a security expert, he would advise us to look at our cars and see how much information we share with others.

We have a daughter

The average SUV or minivan tells more about a family than most people realize.  On the rear window is a family sticker showing how many people live in the house.  The sticker on the back of a vehicle represents a dad, mom, two boys, a little girl and a dog.  A stranger learns five people and a dog live in the house.

On the rear of the vehicle is a logo magnet from the elementary school.  Two baseball magnets with the child’s name, number and team are next to the school magnet.  A youth league cheerleading megaphone has the little girl’s name on it. In seconds a stranger knows the names of the children, the school they attend and where they play sports. A Bridgemill Golf and Tennis license plate provides the location of the home.

Are we providing strangers with too much personal information?  I do not think we go far enough. This is the age of Facebook and Twitter.  People do not mind sharing photos with strangers or tweeting about monotonous details of life.  Why stop with small bits of family information?

School logo magnets are great but why not show real school pride by listing the child’s teacher?  The Liberty Elementary logo magnet with Ms. Smith’s class in bright red shows school spirit and a real commitment to the PTA.

A family sticker with names under each character is a more appropriate way to advertise the family.  Upgrading to actual photos of the family will soon be the “it” accessory in suburbia.  Including the ages, birthdays and last four digits of social security to the sticker really makes the sticker unique.

I never used a magnetic box to hide a key under my fender, yet some people swear by them despite the risk.  With four wheels to choose from forgetting which fender was used is frustrating.  A “key is here” magnet with an arrow pointing to the location saves valuable time and aggravation in the event of a lost key.

Male drivers put themselves at risk while attempting to gain a better look at attractive females.  The safety risk is unnecessary if the cell phone number of your wife or daughter were visible on the rear window. Providing contact information is helpful because creepy guy has limited stalking time.

Some drivers believe the car they drive defines their persona.  In reality, the car alone does not go far enough.  BMW drivers could proudly display their salary with a tasteful car magnet.  Suburban and Hummer drivers can display Eco pride with a miles per gallon sticker.   Married men driving minivans… there really is not much left to say.

It is impossible to reveal too much information.  In our “all about me” society advertising all our information on the family car is the next logical step.

How to be popular – subdivision edition

This must be trimmed by 150 words before I can submit it.  I will update on the my FB fan page.  A few people wanted to see this – so here it is.  If any of my neighbors feel this is about them I assure you it is unintentional.

As always – Thanks for reading. Please comment and share with all!

D

Remember high school?  Did you go to the coolest parties and hang out with the coolest people?  If not, it is because you were a dork.   Twenty years later, you find yourself in the same socially awkward situation living in a subdivision.  There is no need to repeat social mistakes from high school.  You too can roll with the subdivision “in crowd” by following seven easy steps.

Rule 1: The Right Stuff

Size of house and type of automobile are important in subdivision society.  Luxury SUVs are preferable to Honda or Toyota mini vans.   All vehicles in subdivisions are required to display at least one of the following: front license plate with subdivision name, elementary school logo magnet or little league sports team magnet.

Rule 2: Children Make a Statement

Three is the magic number of children in a subdivision.  Two is acceptable and one child is frowned upon unless for medical reasons.  The dream child situation in the subdivision is one child followed by twins.  When possible all children should have similar names or names beginning with the same first letter.

In subdivisions, children must play sports year round.  Football and baseball are for boys while cheerleading, tennis or gymnastics are appropriate for girls.  Parents must hire private coaches to guarantee your five-year -old a spot on the traveling T-ball team.  Elementary school children may play soccer in leagues with European names.

Rule 3: The In School

The right school is important from Pre-K until college.  Subdivision parents will camp in line to secure a spot in the most desirable pre-K programs.  If a family is unable to send the kids to private school then attending the best public school is important.

Attending PTA meetings is not enough for the subdivision parent; an elected office is the goal.  PTA Presidents wield power over the PTA, the teachers and all the students.  Parents unable to attain the prestigious office of PTA President will volunteer for coordinator positions.   Subdivision social etiquette grants PTA officers preferential seating at the pool on holiday weekends.

Rule 4: Father Best Work

Subdivision husbands commute 90 minutes to Atlanta, work from home or both.  Social status and hours worked are connected.  A man with a Bluetooth ear bud glued to his head working 50 hours a week is more successful than a man working outside corporate America.

Rule 5: Mom’s Day Out

There are two types of women:  stay at home moms and working moms.  Stay at home moms do not understand why a woman chooses work over family.  A working mom cannot understand why a woman would give up her career.

Stay at home moms join playgroups, sit by the pool and play tennis.  The stay at home mom’s outfit of choice is the tennis skirt.  Stay at home moms wear the tennis skirt when shopping, volunteering at the elementary school or cleaning the house before the maid arrives.

Working moms wear Capri pants.  Capri pants are an attempt by the working mom to bridge the gap between corporate attire and the causal attire of the stay at home mom.

RULE 6: Too Cool for the Pool

The pool, like the school cafeteria is ground zero of social status.  The battles over the umbrella tables and chairs facing the sun are fierce. Arriving at the pool before sunrise and reserving a chair with towels is advisable.   The subdivision hires lifeguards to watch children freeing up parents time to gossip and drink.

Other than a Speedo, men can wear almost anything at the pool.   Who has time to exercise when working 50 hours a week?  Men refrain from discussing the physical or fashion of other men at the pool.

Women make up three distinct differences in swimwear categories: “Can wear a bikini”, “should not but do wear a bikini” and “will not wear a bikini”.  Critical comments about who should and should not wear a bikini are common among subdivision women.  Gossip via passive aggressive Facebook postings is more dignified than bathroom graffiti.

Rule Seven: A Party for Few

Do not repeat the mistake many new subdivision parents make and invite the entire neighborhood to a birthday party.  The best birthday parties are exclusive social affairs for the in-crowd.  You must invite the social elites to the party even if your kids hate their kids.  It is important to teach kids early to only play with kids that will not damage your social status.

Following these simple seven rules allows even the most socially awkward to break into the subdivision social scene.  In no time at all you too can hang out in a playgroup and post complaints on the neighborhood message board.  It is not who you know – it is who knows you.

Rabbit and the Wolf

Bunny - come out to play

Endurance sports mimic the wolf chasing the rabbit minus the killing and eating. Sometimes I am the wolf and others times I am the rabbit. I hated being the rabbit until a Saturday morning ride provided a new experience.

While riding the Dwelling at Blanket Creek, I approached a group of riders that had just completed their first lap. They were resting on their bikes and talking to each other.

“You guys can go,” I suggested.

“No, you go,” offered one rider.

“Yeah, we need a rabbit,” a third added.

I am the rabbit? I thought.

A wolf pack announced their intention to run me down. The riders sized me up and felt they could catch me. They should have just said, “we don’t know you, we’ve never seen you ride, but yes we are faster than you.”

I did not know how to handle the challenge. Part of me wanted to take it easy as I had planned. The riders could pass me and I would be OK because I was just out for a fun ride. The other part bristled at the arrogance in announcing I was their rabbit. I wanted to ride so fast they would never catch me.

Why chase me?

I heard them coming after about a hundred yards. I was climbing an uphill section that curves left followed by a twisting,

fast descent. I looked back and saw them entering the bottom of the climb, laughing as they chased me. It was the last time I would look back; I made my decision and rode away. I rode harder and faster than I ever had in my life.

Sometimes I might pick up the pace in a half-hearted attempt to escape the rider behind me. After a short time, I would move over to let the faster rider pass me. I believed that if you saw the person in front of you then the catch was eminent. It has always proven true if I was wolf or rabbit. Until that Saturday, I believed the wolf was in control. Maybe on most days it is still true, but this was not most days.

I rode the Dwelling in 19 minutes smashing my average time of 24 minutes. I may never ride that perfectly again. My average heart rate was around 185. I hammered up hills and I hammered down hills. I was taking turns faster than I thought possible. Only once did my tires begin to slide in a turn. I reacted instinctively and quickly regained control. I did not roll over the logs I jumped them. It was the most fun I have ever had on a bike.

Come get some.

I stopped and waited for the guys at the bottom of the trail. By the time they made it out, my breathing had returned to normal. “Thanks, that was fun,” I said before going up for my next lap.

I know most of the time other riders will catch me. Maybe one time in fifty I will outrun the wolves. The feeling of staying

out in front is so addictive I will risk losing if it means I can win.

I am rabbit catch me if you can.