What they are really thinking…

UWW Fighting Marshmallows

Recently I traveled to Florida to take part in an international study on Facebook at the University of Western Wimauma.  U of WW is the home of the Fighting Marshmallows and some of the top researchers in the field of Facebook Psychology.  During one of the exciting break out sessions we explored the deep need for so many to document their daily activities.  A Blue Ribbon Round Table Discussion Committee explored the psychology behind the “status update”.

Below is an abbreviated list of what users are thinking while updating Facebook Status.

Status (S):  Seeing my (significant other) in the morning, takes my breath away

Truth (T):  His (her) morning breath is a weapon of mass destruction

S:  My child is the best

T:   My kid eats paste

S:  I am so lucky to wake up next to my wonderful husband

T:  Why does he have so much ear hair?

S:  My life is perfect!

T:  Please hug me

S:  I love Glee

T:  Not that there is anything wrong with that

S:  I love my job / coworkers

T:  I may or may not like my job, but I work with the biggest group of twits outside of Congress

S:  I was watching my wife play with our children – I could hear angels singing

T:  I’m sure she caught me looking at the twenty year old jogger

S:  Don’t ask

T:  Please ask

S:  I am so excited my sister / best friend is getting married (engaged / having a baby…)

T:  I hate her.

S:  Some people need to be nicer

T:  Alice, you are an ignorant, misguided skank

S:  I have the most supportive and loving wife

T:  I am about to do / buy something insanely stupid

S:   (2 a.m.)   I love Doritos

T:  I am high

S:  My parents are the best!

T:  Please send money

S:  (Favorite team) lost again – fire the coach

T:  I have anger issues (and / or) place too much importance on things I cannot control

S:  Posting a link to your blog

T:  Please notice me

S:  Posting a link to rantandrollwithduane.com

T:  I am thoughtful, intelligent, and just plain awesome

If we lived in a WWE world…

I walked into Publix today to buy a few items for dinner.  I’m making ziti and meatballs, but that has little bearing on the issue at hand.

I entered  the store and nobody noticed.  Shoppers were shopping and the employees were talking to each other.  Not one person looked over and acknowledged my presence.

It hit me:  How much more awesome would life be if it were like the WWE?

In the WWE, when a superstar enters the building, people don’t ignore him.  There is music, lights and pyrotechnics announcing the entrance.  Jim Ross begins verbally hemorrhaging in excitement.

If we lived in WWE world:

Publix is quiet.  The employees are discussing Jersey Shore while stay at home moms and retirees march up and down the isles searching for deals.

Suddenly Back in Black assaults the eardrums.  I stomp though the door, a can of Red Bull in each hand.  I jump on top of the Customer Service counter and look at my legion of fans.

The Produce Manager is on the PA screaming, “Business is about to pick up!”

Employees and customers cheer my arrival.

Shopping at Publix just became a little more awesome.

I saw an ESPN highlight showing Matt Ryan throwing a pass to Roddy White.  White caught the ball, juked the defender and ran forty yards for a score.  Yawn.  We see touchdowns countless times on any given Sunday.

In WWE world:

The Dome, NFC Championship Falcons vs. Rams.  Rams are up by four with a minute to play in the game. Matt Ryan drops back and throws the ball to Roddy White.  White catches the ball, jukes his defender and has an easy path to the end zone.

Out of nowhere, Michael Jenkins flashes into view and knocks the ball out of White’s hand.  The ball bounces through the back of the end zone giving the Rams the ball and an unbelievable victory.

Joe Buck sounding like JR: “Good God!  What is Jenkins doing?”

Jenkins rips off his Falcons jersey revealing the Rams jersey underneath.

The fans in the dome boo and throw things on the field while Jenkins and the Rams celebrate.

Family gatherings are dull affairs.  The little cousins play together then fight with each other.  The older people sit and complain about things that old people complain about.  The married family members discuss diaper changes or trips.  The single cousins wish they had done something different.

Seven Budwisers into the gathering Uncle Rob switches off his appropriate topic filter and launches into a fifteen minute dissertation about the failure of schools because of lazy union teachers.

Cousin Suzy, a kindergarten teacher, sits quietly hoping somebody comes to her aid and shuts Uncle Rob up.

A heavy silence hangs in the room as family look from one another waiting for somebody to do or say something.

Aunt Katie, Rob’s wife places a gentle hand on Uncle Rob in a vain attempt to silence him.

In WWE world:

Uncle Rob launches into his verbal tirade about the unions and lazy teachers.  Cousin Suzy, unable to contain herself, stands up picks up her folding chair and hits Uncle Rob over the head with it.

Before Aunt Katie can respond Cousin Suzy delivers a metal chair smack to Katie’s head as well.

Cousin Suzy then begins kicking Uncle Rob while Grand Pa Frank yells, “she’s stomping a mud hole in him!”

After a few minutes, family members jump in and pull Cousin Suzy off the bloodied Uncle Rob.

Grand Ma Jane emerges from the kitchen with a warm apple pie and life returns to normal.

 

There is no argument the WWE world is far more entertaining and gratifying than the real world.  Unfortunately, the real world has laws.  Jumping on the counter at Publix is frowned upon.  Switching teams in the NFC Championship is not allowed due to collective bargaining.  Although it shouldn’t be, stomping a mud hole in annoying relatives is illegal in 49 states.

Sam says: Rise up Mother Falcons!

It is almost impossible to live near Atlanta and not be swept up in Falcons fever.  The press is stoking the hype machine as the Falcons continue to rise up!  In Atlanta, it’s time to party like it’s 1998.  The Dirty Bird is back and dirtier than ever!

There are a few  not riding the tsunami of hype.  Most are “outsiders” refusing to hop on the bandwagon.  We  refuse to abandon our home team because we live in Georgia.  With Internet and TV, I can watch every Dolphins game.  Unlike some other teams I cannot stand (Bills, Patriots, Jets and Colts), Falcons fans are mostly sane.  My neighbor is a Falcons fan and a good guy.  Bless his heart.

Top Seven Reasons why I don’t like the Falcons:

1 – Dome:  Football is played outside in the sun, rain, wind and snow. Is there and indoors equivalent to the Ice Bowl?   The recent collapse of the Metrodome shows how nature feels about football played in domes.  Nature abhors vacuums and domed stadiums.

2 – Favre:  Jerry Glanville’s claim to fame is talking smack, wearing black, leaving tickets for Elvis and trading Brett Favre.  Yes, that Brett Favre.

He's no Chris Chandler

3 – Prime Time:  Deion Sanders is a first ballot selection to the Hall of Fame of Hype. Deion is the best non-tackling-shut down-celebrity- corner of his generation.

4 – Vick:  Michael Vick.  In Atlanta, Vick was an athlete.  In Philadelphia, he is a quarterback.   Falcons’ ownership did not know the difference

5 – Arthur Blank:  He is the Falcons’ owner, former CEO of Home Depot and part time Rhett Butler impersonator.   Blank is a less football savvy Jerry Jones.

Arthur knows Hammers

6 – The Dirty Bird:  What is a “Dirty Bird’?  Is it something you pay for?  Will a cream stop it from itching?

7  – Matty Ice:  Matt Ryan is going to be a great QB.  Unfortunately, Atlanta gave him the lamest nickname in history.  “Matty Ice” is appropriate for the latest Bartles and James wine cooler, not an NFL quarterback.

Mother Falcons I hate that nickname!

This might be the Falcons year.  The house that Prime built is rockin’.  National and local media are calling the Falcons a Team of Destiny.  The NFL is full of teams of destiny that do not win the big game.  The 18-1 New England Patriots know a little something about being labeled a Team of Destiny.

Why Not Me?

Remember the good old days when the decision to run for President of the US occurred in private?  Old, fat, white guys in smoke filled rooms tossed around names until they agreed on a candidate.  No begging, no drama, they made a decision and went with it.

Today candidates think about running for President.  They tweet about running for President.  They hint and act coy when asked directly about running for President.  Most annoying is the common refrain:  if America wants me to run, I will.  Are they running for President of the US or PTA Treasurer?

Position changing author and pundit, Newt Gingrich, might run in 2012.  He plans to give us an answer some time next year.  He previously thought about running in 2008 before changing his mind.

Reality TV star talk show pundit and author, Sarah Palin, is also tweeting about maybe running for President in 2012.  She is engaged in “internal deliberations”.

Self-promotion king, the Donald, is getting serious about his Presidential run in 2012.  He recently spent $20 to secure the domain shouldtrumprun.com.  A website asking people if he should run is so Presidential.  The Donald promises to let us know by June, I cannot wait.

I am inspired by these great potential leaders sort of committing to run for President. I am almost ready to announce that I am sort of, maybe kinda, thinking about the possibility of perhaps running for President of the United States.  I will run if the people want me to and it is OK with my family.

I am late to the thinking about running game.  My opponents have at least a year head start in planning to think about running for President.  I must take some important steps before I can become a serious contender.

1. I need my own show on FOX.  I wrote them recently about my issues with the Board of Education stomping on my Freedom of Speech.  I expect a show soon, or at least a guest spot on Fox and Friends.
2. My book tour is off to a slow start.  The mainstream media is refusing to promote the book I have not written.  The Liberal Elite fear me.
3. I have not cheated on my wife.  My spouse rarely says stupid things in public.  My child is not doing anything scandalous.  I have never been investigated for ethics violations.  This responsible behavior has to stop.
4. I need a twitter account.
5. Update:  Now I have a Twitter account: RantRollDuane
6. Recently TLC rejected my idea for a reality show:  The Willoughby Way.  I did not meet TLC’s minimum number of children policy.

America is not looking for Simon Cowl to lead our country. Celebrities are desperate to stay in the public’s eye.  JFK did not have a reality show.  Ike did not use a website or book tour to launch his campaign.   Reagan did not travel like a rock star.  History shows, indecisive candidates never win.  Leaders do not ask if they should lead.

You know what the difference is between a blogger and a Great White Shark is?  Bloggers have thumbs.  I am going to bring it on in a new way of doing things like they did in the old days.  Willoughby 2012… maybe.  If you want me to that is.

Real Numb

This is an excerpt from my highly anticipated debut novel:  Yes, They’re Real – a man’s guide to understanding women. Some critics compare my book to Black Like Me and Main Street.

Excerpt from Chapter 74 – Reality TV

Women watch approximately 200 more hours of reality TV a month than men do. Women will watch almost any show about any subject.  I immersed myself in Female Reality Show TV to understand their appeal.  I experienced dramatic emotional changes during the research.  One time, I became lost and had the urge to ask for directions.

It took two weeks of Sports Center, South Park and Jason Bourne movies to deprogram my brain.  Once I was clean, I translated “their” shows into language men will understand.  My sacrifice and research provides men a base of understanding for popular reality shows.

Listen Mav... this is a chick movie.

Dancing with the Stars and American Idol – Singing and dancing are two components of successful chick flicks.   It does not matter if the movie is about a best friend’s wedding, a pair of traveling pants or a U.S. Navy fighter pilot; at some point, singing and dancing will occur.  Singing, dancing and shirtless volleyball qualifies Top Gun for chick flick status.

Flip This House – Features people buying a house and believing they can improve it and sell it.  It is a metaphor women use to justify some relationships.  She hopes with a lot of work the singlewide trailer (boyfriend) can transform into a cozy beachfront cottage (husband).  The harsh lesson learned too late is if you buy a singlewide, it will stay a singlewide.

Kate Plus 8 – John and Kate plus 8 The original show featured a Troll and his Shrew attempting to earn money exploiting their gaggle of children.  The ratings blossomed when John and Kate’s marriage fell apart.  Men must remember no matter how challenging your relationship is it could be worse; you could have Kate and eight.

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant – One time I thought I sprained my ankle.  I went to the emergency room and they diagnosed it as a severe sprain.  Years later I learned the doctors misdiagnosed my injury and my ankle was fractured.  My experience is almost the same as not knowing you are pregnant.  While I went to the ER, these women assume it is nine months of indigestion.  I think the increase in food consumption and weight gain is a red flag, but that’s just me.

That taco I ate 7 months ago sure is giving me gas.

Cake Boss and DC Cupcakes – Not one but two shows dedicated to cake. Mix flour, butter and eggs in a large bowl.  Bake 350 degrees until firm.  Take cake out, let cool then slap on some icing and you have a show!

 

Cup Cake Wars - for men

 

Toddlers & Tiaras – The most disturbing show on TV.  The show is about mothers living out their failed dreams through small children.  Winning the pageant is all consuming for the stage moms.  Soon a follow up show called Pageant Therapy will debut on TLC.  Fortunately, none of the women I surveyed in my house watch this show.

Hey kids - hair gel is cool.

Jersey Shore – The name says it all.

In my workshops, I advise men to find common ground with his significant other.  If watching pointless reality TV instead of the rebroadcast of last night’s Sport Center is important to her – then it is important to him. Making an effort to “watch” reality TV shows an interest in what she likes.

Next time she is watching Bringing Home Baby follow these simple steps to survive the hour:  Bring a large bottle of Tequila to the couch.  Remove cap and chug a quarter of it.  Replace cap.  Beat yourself in the head until you lose consciousness.  Repeat as necessary.

Breaking up is hard to do

It recently struck me how similar working and dating are.  I was working in what I believed to be a stable and healthy environment for 14 years.  Sure, we had our difficulties and occasionally I considered quitting.  Once or twice, I looked at other occupations but never acted on those impulses.

My reward for devotion and faithfulness was a meeting with my principal.  She said, “As you know there have been some changes…”

The rest of the conversation is a blur.  I knew this day was coming. I saw the signs.  People around me were not making eye contact, my key did not work on my office door and custodians stopped emptying my trashcans.  I knew in my gut something was different but did not expect my 14 years as an educator to end following car circle duty in the rain.

A week later, I received a form letter from the school system.  They graciously thanked me for my service but because of budget cuts, they eliminated my position.  “It’s not you… it’s me,” was the subtext of the letter. The system blamed a lack of tax revenue but I could not help but to question myself.  Was I moving too fast?  Did I smell bad?  Are they still upset because I sent students to Starbucks?

Finding a job is more difficult than I thought.  I reapplied for my old position and other teaching jobs as well.  “We’ll keep your resume on file,” the Personnel Director told me.

We will keep your resume on file is business speak for “I will call you sometime.”  It means either you are a loser or there is no way we will be seen together.  On the other hand, it might mean we will call if all other candidates turn into brain munching zombies.

I also hear “We are not hiring right now” frequently.   Not hiring right now is the equivalent of “I am not looking for anything serious.” Perhaps the organization currently does not have open positions.  It could also mean I am not their type, my head is two sizes too big for my body or I have spinach dip in my teeth.

It does not seem that long ago companies were desperate for help.  By third quarter, unfilled positions went to the first candidate with brain waves and a heartbeat.  Now companies have “standards” and “requirements”.  The days of hooking up with a desperate company at last call is gone.

I am searching for a job not the right job.  I know I am too good for the available positions but hire me anyway and we will have some laughs.  Companies are tired of being burned by the over qualified candidate that jumps at the first available mid level management job.  I try to convince them I am different from the others, but they do not buy it.  Apparently my 4 years of college and 14 years of teaching means, I am over qualified to be a host at Taco Mac.

My life changed the day I learned the school system wanted to move in a different direction.  They needed some time to find themselves as an organization.  I suppose I should sit and wait patiently for them to call me back.  After all, the separation letter wished me luck and hoped we could still be friends.

New Laws

I commend our elected officials for working to create a state unlike any other in the USA.  What other governor bans Sunday beer sales to teach time management?  Governor Purdue provides Georgians with a valuable life lesson with his archaic reasoning.

I am thankful Senator Chip Pearson sponsored a resolution that wrestles power away from the federal government.  If the federal government passes a law Georgia disagrees with, the state can void the law.  It takes real leadership to embrace the Articles of Confederation instead of the U.S. Constitution.

Senators Pearson and Rogers sponsored SB 235 banning the implanting of microchips without consent.  While there is not a threat of marauding evil geniuses implanting brain-controlling microchips it is a good idea to have a law protecting us.

I believe there are other unnecessary laws the Georgia Legislature must consider:

• SUV Protection Amendment: SUV ownership deserves the same Constitutional protection as hunting and fishing.  It is the right of all Georgians to drive gas-guzzling vehicles.  Hauling three kids to soccer practice in a Hummer is safer than a Civic if attacked by a small suburban army.
• Green Transportation Act:  The Green Transportation Act provides tax credits and preferred parking for Georgians using green transportation. Driving a John Deer tractor or mower instead of a car qualifies for the Green Transportation Act.
• The Illegal Alien Protection Act (IAPA):  IAPA is not an Arizona type immigration bill.  The IAPA fills a void in federal government enforcement.  Georgia will lead the fight against the next illegal alien threat: abduction and experimentation.  The IAPA make it a felony in Georgia for extraterrestrials to abduct and experiment on Georgia residents.  Any extraterrestrial found guilty of violating the IAPA is subject to jail, fines and deportation.

Our elected officials work tirelessly to protect us from issues that are not actually a problem.  Solving unemployment, traffic, lack of water and education are not as important as microchips, time management and alien abductions.

Teachers are the key

It is misguided to believe the cliché: those that can’t do… teach. If teaching were easy, it would not require specialized training. The instructors for the military, police and fire department are the best and brightest not the washouts.  Doctors do not intern at hospitals with sub-par medical staff. Yet, when it comes to our educational system many Americans belittle the professional educator.

Politicians and media focus only on the test results.  Teaching is much more than learning to answer standardized test questions. Good teachers show students how to find information and solve problems.  Good teaching prepares students to become life long learners.  America was built on applying knowledge, not taking a test.  A good teacher engages students and challenges them to learn.  Politicians fail to understand the difference between learning and regurgitating information.  Learning is forever; regurgitating information is temporary for standardized tests.

Mediocre pay, lack of respect and a hostile work environment greet most new teachers. In spite of the negatives, many intelligent people choose teaching as a career.  Teaching is one of the few career fields that can change lives.  A Data Consultant for a large bank is financially rewarding but does it matter?  We all remember a teacher making an impact on our life.  Has a Data Consultant ever changed a child’s future?

Statistics from the National Education Association (NEA) show 50 percent of new teachers will not last five years.  Like most professions, teachers often work more than 40 hours a week.  It is common to see teachers preparing the classroom, on their time, weeks before school opens.  Most teachers bring work home to finish on weekends taking away from precious family time.

Recent cuts in the education budget drastically affected the profession as well.  Teachers must work with larger class sizes and fewer resource teachers.  If families lack the resources or initiative to provide basic school supplies then schools are required to provide them.  Due to cuts in funding school budgets do not always allow enough discretionary funds for supplies.  If schools do not pay for supplies, many teachers use their money or ask parents to donate.  Imagine if Citibank required employees to provide office pens and copy paper.  It is unheard of in corporate America but common in education.  Few professions expect employees to furnish their own office supplies.

Teaching is frustrating at times, impossible at others but usually rewarding.  The difficulty teachers face most times comes from outside the classroom. Political parties, the NEA, talk show hosts, columnists and special interest organizations all use the professional educator as a pawn to promote their agenda.

Extraordinary teachers can successfully educate students in the most challenging classroom. Many times difficult children are mimicking their adult role models.  Children do not know better but adults should.  When a teacher reaches a challenging student and ignites the spark for learning, it is miraculous.

Developing and retaining talented teachers is crucial for a quality education.  Blaming teachers and undermining their authority will not inspire the best students to consider careers in education.  Most Americans understand the need for a quality education but some still choose to undervalue the importance of teachers.

More of the Same

Teachers hired after the start of the 2009-2010 year were the first teachers dismissed.  A form letter informed these dedicated teachers they would not have a position in 2010-2011. Some of the vacated positions did not remain empty for long.  On May 20, the board hired an inexperienced teacher and experienced teachers from other counties.  Cherokee County teachers were unable to apply for most of the open positions because Human Resources did not make the jobs available.

The Superintendent of Cherokee County Schools, Dr. Petruzielo, claims cutting school staff and increasing the millage rate are required to offset the budget shortfall.  A closer look at recent actions show the superintendent and school board have not examined all possible cost cutting measures.

The school board is unlikely to change the exemption for homeowners over 62.  Temporarily amending the exemption brings in millions of badly needed revenue.  Most working families also live on fixed incomes. Quality schools benefit all residents regardless of age.

The superintendent and school board plan to reduce staff and salary of employees working directly with Cherokee County students.  The superintendent has not proposed reducing salaries of upper level administrators.  According to 2009 state records Dr. Petruzielo and his nine person cabinet made over 1.2 million dollars in taxpayer-funded salary. The 11 directors made over a million dollars and 18 supervisors earned a combined 1.7 million dollars.  Four executives in the Human Resources department earned half of a million dollars. Over 4 million dollars in salary went to executives in the administration offices.  The board and superintendent are intent on cutting positions at the student level while protecting upper management.

The time is now for real leadership in Cherokee County Schools.  It is unacceptable to continue cutting staff working with students while protecting upper level executives. The superintendent tells educational staff to “put children first”.  It is time for the board and superintendent to do the same.  Property values and quality of schools are connected.  We cannot afford the political pandering and business as usual antics of the board and superintendent.  The taxpayers and students deserve better.

Will Teach for Cash

Education and teaching are going to be on my mind for the next few weeks.  I hope to squeeze some funny stuff in too.  My last letter made me very popular with teachers.  I am not sure what this one will do (if printed).  I know the next one will be very unpopular.  As a friend pointed out to me:  ”Nobody likes you anyway.”

Politicians believe performance based compensation works for business, so it will work for education.  Unlike business compensation plans, the proposed education plans have little to do with the teacher.

A corporate job posting using the proposed educational performance pay plan:

Wanted:  Professional Result Supervisor (PRS).  Ideal candidate must posses a Bachelors degree and certification in Result Supervision.  Candidate must motivate a diverse team of twenty-five employees.

The team will come from diverse backgrounds with different skills and values.  The PRS is responsible for guaranteeing team success using approved developmental processes.  Performance of the team, not PRS effectiveness, determines compensation.

Few people would apply for the position of PRS because the accountability outweighs the authority.  The best employees will not seek employment under a terrible compensation plan.  Basing pay on the performance of others is not acceptable in corporate America or in education.

Teachers do not pick the students, they teach the students assigned to the class.  Class disruption, poor behavior and apathy negatively influence test scores.  Unlike employees, students cannot be fired for refusing to follow instructions.

Combining three types of evaluations provide a clear picture of the teacher’s performance.

• Provide a subject pretest and post test to measure student performance from the beginning of the year to the end.  Base results on individual classrooms not the county.  Not all students learn the same way.

• Principals can observe teachers using a state standardized evaluation form to rate the quality of instruction.  Accurately determining teacher quality requires three to four evaluations during the year.

• Teachers must demonstrate their ability to guide instruction from the state standards of the subject.  A check sheet provides dates and documentation of standards based instruction.

Performance pay based only on students’ results is not the solution to rewarding hard working teachers. Some of the hardest working teachers are in environments with little to no support from administration, parents or the students.  Each teacher deserves individualized performance goals, just like in corporate America.